The Unity/Unreal Get VR working on Quest META Game

This is an adventure in setting up the development platform for Oculus Quest on Unreal (FAILED!) and Unity (Partially successful!), but ultimately not creating anything. Winning involved getting something deployed to the headset...
Jam year: 
2020
Diversifiers: 
Protip
Is there anybody out there?
Platforms: 
Virtual Reality platform
Tools and Technologies: 
Unity (any product), Unreal Engine, Virtual reality head mount display (Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, etc.)
Installation Instructions: 

Just... just don't...

Credits: 

Various web sites that tried to help me, but all involved installing many many strange things that broke my laptop

Game Tags: 
3D
First-Person